Reader,

Tonight I don’t want to write.

I want to close my eyes and imagine him with me.

I want to flee to a distant land.

Of oases and light houses and

Build castles in the sand.

But I cannot sleep.

I listen to tales of love lost on the radio.

Music should not make one so blue.

This growing up is difficult.

A butterfly with wings of dew.

Spinning till it hits the ground with futile finality.

It does not permit me to dream.

There are so many things I do not know.

Yet I feel so old.

I am but wisps of colourless smoke.

I could not break the mould.

I am taught there are more important things in life.

Success, Money, Power, Happiness...

Happiness?

And see Reader, we are back to square one.

What happiness can a broken family or a sordid love affair provide you?

But I have known others who have survived on less.

I am finally cured of Hope.

Thank you, World.

But this much I know that when my newborn cries

I will not teach his eyes

to dream.

Dreams are but a pack of lies

 for successful human beings.

                    ***

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you.
And suppose I said I want to come back home,
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson.
And Im tired of spending all my time alone.
If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted.
And it's killing me to be so far away,
Would you tell me that you love me too.
And would we cry together,
Or would you simply laugh at me and say...


"I told you so, Oh I told you so,
I told you some day you'd come crawling back,
And asking me to take you in,
I told you so, but you had to go,
Now I've found somebody new,
And you will never break my heart in two again."

If I got down on my knees,
And told you I was yours forever.
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old-time feelin'?
Would we laugh and talk for hours?
The way we did when our love first began?
Would you tell me that you've missed me too?
And that you've been so lonely?
And you've waited for the day that I returned?
And we'd live and love forever?
And that I'm your one and only?

Or would you say "the tables finally turned.."

Would you say...

"I TOLD YOU SO". 

Sometimes... Nov 2010

They tell me it is over.
There is nothing more to say.
And that lovers always come.
And then lovers always go away.
I look away.
They smile.
(I thought that you would stay).

Rest my head awhile. 
'Cause tomorrow is a new day.
" A new beginning," say they.
Judgement.
"Not worthy of your love."
"You deserve better."
I bite my lip.
(I thought that you would stay.)

"You are a fool."

"No, He was a fool."

"Oh my dear, Fate can be so cruel."
 *Sigh*

Enough for today.
I take a walk. 
I clear my head. 
I look up.
The sky is the same for you and me.
 (Yes, I  thought that you would stay.)

November.
It never rained.
No matter how much I prayed.

I see you in town.
With someone new this time around.
Emulate you.
And this is what they say-

"A girl should wait."
"He cant come back now, after you..."
“I understand, but practically it cant..."
"No wonder he didn't stay."

I sit down.
Hug my knees to my chin.
And wait.
You will be back. (Won’t You?) You must.  (No, You must!) 

"Sad crazy girl." says one.
 Another- "Its just lust."I need a place to hide away.
(I thought that you would stay)

Where are the tears?
It’s about time they fell.
Nine months.
My own personal road to Hell.

"He won’t be back." (Won’t be back?)
But you must. ( Must, I said!)
(Can you hear me?)Must!
Stay.
Please....
 (I thought that he would stay). 

Its So Easy...

Its so easy you know-
To give it all up and let it all go.
No more staying awake till four.

Its so easy you know-
To lean into his side and kiss his lips.
Perfect rainy evenin, nothin amiss.
And when his hands reach my hips...
All I gotta do- is close my eyes and think its you.

 Its so easy you know-
 To let you live your happy ending.
 To laugh with friends while I'm pretending- 
That I'm over you and my heart is mending
And I'm not crying when every message that I'm sending-
 Returns undelivered.

 So damn easy.

Even Heroes Have The Right To Bleed

“You tried to fight it. You couldn’t hide it.”

See-sawing between extremes of emotions can take its toll on anybody. But it’s worse because you’d rather be a nobody. Your world was divided into two kinds of people.  The ones that cared and the ones who you wanted care from. Poor soul, never had a chance, did you?

Can anybody go through torment and come out not twisted? The answers are tattooed on the inside of your left wrist. Alphabet scars. That’s what’s left of the times when you believed that finally, finally, this time it would be alright.

Okay, so you broke. But then why is it imperative that you put the pieces back together and move on?  You’re better off broken because nobody can kill something that is long dead. Little consolation for the soul.

So then what happens to all the things you wanted? Do you just give it up? Do you remake your wishlist, knowing all the time that shooting stars and eyelash wishes and 11:11 don’t work in the world today? Is there a place where you are safe anymore? Or can you be with anyone that will not hurt you- willingly?

Some say your own head is your only haven. But I don’t perceive it as a refuge. It’s like being quarantined. Oh, the world is not treating you right, so You gotta  retreat into this place where the rooms are ochre and there are lilies in long necked vases. But you cant smell them anymore.

Some say that you gotta love yourself. Because if you cant love yourself and cant keep yourself happy, how can you expect someone else to do it for you?

So I love myself sometimes. Most of the time I do not.  And I left to see who will miss me. But they forgot.

And now the only thing that was really my own, other than my name- my will to survive, my will to endure, my will to tell the rest of the world that hope is not dead- is gone. Disillusionment? I shudder to think that it might be.

And then I come across some old, familiar faces, many of them people with seemingly ‘happy’ lives today.  Did I not teach them how to take what you want if it makes you happy? How it felt to be lost and abandoned? How to cry their first real tears for a woman?  Was I not the reason for the change in their playlists and increase in alcohol? Did I not teach them about life and growing up?

I have been the first for many.  And I would like to believe that they are happy now because they won’t commit the same mistakes they made with me. And now they run away to their little virgin girlfriends, afraid to hurt them.

“Well, you know what it’s like. You’ve been through this and you’ve come out strong. But she, she’s new to all this. She won’t be able to take it.”

 So, experience and pain. “ This is my gift, my curse,” huh?  As somebody told me once- “You can live with that.”   So in a way, in a seemingly unbelievable way I would like to think that I saved them.

 I am a Superhero.

Who will save me?