Emotionally Colourblind.

Tell me this is what normal people feel. This is what they live everyday, every minute of their existence. This feeling of... Nothingness. I think this is what a practical person would say an adult life feels like. Trudging through the minutes, hours, days... feeling wasted.
Well, don't get me wrong. I'm sure I know how to behave by now, to convey feelings. It's simple really.

Case 1.  When You Are With Family-  Stretch facial muscles till lips join into a straight line. Purse above mentioned lips into an upward curve. This is called a Smile. Don't show teeth.

Case 2.  When You Are With Friends (Guys)- Shove left hand in pocket. Swing phone from right palm casually. Let eyes graze over the screen every 15 mins.  Broaden mouth to part lips and show teeth. This is called a Grin.

Case 3. When You Are With Friends (Girls)-  *Everyone Starts Discussing Their Love Life* Smile, as in Case 1. Put a suddenly vibrating phone to your left ear and excuse yourself. Run.

Case 4. When A Guy/Girl Hugs You (Friendly)- Don't. Look. Up. Let left and right arms not do anything.

Case 5. When A Guy Hugs You (Romantically)-  Close eyes. Breathe Even. Do NOT think about how many bluebirds flew around Tom's head when Jerry hit him with that broomstick last night. Bring left palm up to Guy's chest slowly. Don't shove.

See?

Feelings are way over rated anyway. It's all in the gestures. You know all the names -  Happiness, Politeness, Fun, Desire, Companionship- the 'dictionary definitions' of it...You know the way to enact it all ... but you know what?

It doesn't mean an effing thing to you.
Because you can't feel it.
You try hard. But the essence of the emotion perpetually evades you.
(Note to self- Must Stop Watching Dexter).

Lord knows what I'd do for a little Sincerity  right about now.
And a little Hope.
But then again, A little Hope is a dangerous thing.
I'm probably better off this way.
Some things are better off when they are broken.. like... umm... Noodles.

And that's my cue to end this post right HERE.

Goodnight, Normal People.
Its good to be you.

Write.

They said, ‘you should write...’

I wasn’t so sure. I mean- seriously? After all the time and effort I put into getting things that went around in my head  under control, they just want me to put it bare on a page. A page that can be read. By everybody. On the internet.
Ha.
Like that’s ever gonna happen.

Hello.
My name is Alisha.
And I have seriously no idea what I’m doing here.
On this blog I mean.
Well, I’m supposed to write because it apparently will help me feel better.
Catharsis?
Fuck.

I can’t sleep tonight. I finally got what I had been searching for- after say a year and a half. And now it’s the end of the chase for me. Got a few days left for the culmination of it and after that I’ll have the solitary purpose of my existence snatched away from me and put into a single page of memory buried at the back on the highest shelf of a library nobody even visits anymore.
Convoluted metaphor... Phew.

Apart from this pursuit that’s headed for its swan song, I also seem to be completely disillusioned after my somewhat happy relationship went kaput. I mean, I made it go kaput. Guess I got tired after I realised it wasn’t what I wanted. So much for happiness.

Alright then, I’m 21. I have a lot of good going on for me- like my career and academics. (Huh?) So why can’t I dwell on that? And leave this out for good? I mean, I wait 1.5 years for some fuck to say- “You were right Alisha, for believing that I would return.” “True love has to be mutual and it’s with you.”  Some cheesy line like that...But that is not what has happened.  Instead I get a genial ‘let’s share this final cuppa black coffee Love Aaj Kal style and then fuck outta each other’s lives.’

Charming. Not.

My own personal ‘Araby’, I’d say.  (Read the short story by James Joyce if you haven’t already. Masterpiece that.) But then again, if I didn’t find him, I would have still been searching, so it’s good that it’s coming to an end at this point, however tragic.



 It’s amazing how good writing 400 words can make you feel. I would rather be typing a term paper... but what the hell. They were right. The voices never lie. You can look at the truth only from a peaceful place, and suddenly I’m there tonight.

And so we wait.
Tik Tik.
Tok Tok.Tik Tok.

I’ve come to bridges before. (No, No... Not Golden Gate or the one at Howrah )... and I’ve crossed them and burned them down. And after these last few days it will be over for good.
Can’t say I’m not relieved.
And if I’m lucky enough..
Maybe I’d even fucking get to sleep.

Reader,

Tonight I don’t want to write.

I want to close my eyes and imagine him with me.

I want to flee to a distant land.

Of oases and light houses and

Build castles in the sand.

But I cannot sleep.

I listen to tales of love lost on the radio.

Music should not make one so blue.

This growing up is difficult.

A butterfly with wings of dew.

Spinning till it hits the ground with futile finality.

It does not permit me to dream.

There are so many things I do not know.

Yet I feel so old.

I am but wisps of colourless smoke.

I could not break the mould.

I am taught there are more important things in life.

Success, Money, Power, Happiness...

Happiness?

And see Reader, we are back to square one.

What happiness can a broken family or a sordid love affair provide you?

But I have known others who have survived on less.

I am finally cured of Hope.

Thank you, World.

But this much I know that when my newborn cries

I will not teach his eyes

to dream.

Dreams are but a pack of lies

 for successful human beings.

                    ***

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you.
And suppose I said I want to come back home,
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson.
And Im tired of spending all my time alone.
If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted.
And it's killing me to be so far away,
Would you tell me that you love me too.
And would we cry together,
Or would you simply laugh at me and say...


"I told you so, Oh I told you so,
I told you some day you'd come crawling back,
And asking me to take you in,
I told you so, but you had to go,
Now I've found somebody new,
And you will never break my heart in two again."

If I got down on my knees,
And told you I was yours forever.
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old-time feelin'?
Would we laugh and talk for hours?
The way we did when our love first began?
Would you tell me that you've missed me too?
And that you've been so lonely?
And you've waited for the day that I returned?
And we'd live and love forever?
And that I'm your one and only?

Or would you say "the tables finally turned.."

Would you say...

"I TOLD YOU SO". 

Sometimes... Nov 2010

They tell me it is over.
There is nothing more to say.
And that lovers always come.
And then lovers always go away.
I look away.
They smile.
(I thought that you would stay).

Rest my head awhile. 
'Cause tomorrow is a new day.
" A new beginning," say they.
Judgement.
"Not worthy of your love."
"You deserve better."
I bite my lip.
(I thought that you would stay.)

"You are a fool."

"No, He was a fool."

"Oh my dear, Fate can be so cruel."
 *Sigh*

Enough for today.
I take a walk. 
I clear my head. 
I look up.
The sky is the same for you and me.
 (Yes, I  thought that you would stay.)

November.
It never rained.
No matter how much I prayed.

I see you in town.
With someone new this time around.
Emulate you.
And this is what they say-

"A girl should wait."
"He cant come back now, after you..."
“I understand, but practically it cant..."
"No wonder he didn't stay."

I sit down.
Hug my knees to my chin.
And wait.
You will be back. (Won’t You?) You must.  (No, You must!) 

"Sad crazy girl." says one.
 Another- "Its just lust."I need a place to hide away.
(I thought that you would stay)

Where are the tears?
It’s about time they fell.
Nine months.
My own personal road to Hell.

"He won’t be back." (Won’t be back?)
But you must. ( Must, I said!)
(Can you hear me?)Must!
Stay.
Please....
 (I thought that he would stay).