Lines.

So I found this little book that had curious little lines scribbled by me over the past one year.
Runny lines, scrawly lines, scraggly lines, whory lines.
Here’s a glimpse at some of them...

"No I dont know you for very long.
And I dont even think I care.
I see your face when I sleep at night.
And trace your name in the morning air."

"Talking about Music is like Skywriting in Braille."


"The amount you study is inversely proportional to the number of days you have left for the exams!"


 "I'm still your beginning.
 And you're still my end.
And our paths converge even though they sometimes bend."


"Yeah, I know you love her.
She has nice hair.
 And you always preferred girls that were fair.
She thinks you stopped fagging- just for her sake.
I smile as I take a drag from your Gold Flake. :)
At least this time I'm happy to see-
Your lying and cheating didnt stop with me. ;-)"

 "These days when I think about Love- Its like smelling Sunshine, seeing Music, hearing Cinnamon Rolls or Cheese Fondue, tasting a Rainstorm... I cant think about a specific name or face or object. Lucky are the people who can see a specific form or shape when they think about Love."


"Had I learnt the notes to your heart,
I could have effortlessly put it to song.
But sometimes sunlight scorches a dewdrop,
A good thing turns out to be wrong.

Frequent storms wreck our minds,
Foundations crumble under our feet,
But we don't fear tomorrow anymore,
In Time again, we will meet.

""Early morning rain- so beautiful."

"I silently laugh at my own cenotaph 
And out of the caverns of rain,
Like a child from the womb, like a ghost from the tomb, 
I arise, and unbuild it again."

"I only talk to you when it suits me, and you know what? I'm awesome, so fuck you.
:D"

Darkling I listen and many a time I have been half in love with easeful Death. Called him soft names in many a mused rhyme..."

"The truth is... anyone can be sad. But happy? It takes courage to be happy."


"Thank you for those who believed in me, even when I didn't."


"Im like a shooting star... I've come so far... I can't go back to where I used to be."


"‎"You are late for this class!" "No, no... I'm early for the next."


"Diamond studded inky blue firmament.... Look how they shine for you


"Then- I came. I saw. I conquered.... Now- I saw. I conquered. I came. :-P


"For they could not love you, but still your love was true. And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry, starry night- you took your life as lovers often do... =( *Vincent*


"It is our choices Harry that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - Albus Dumbledore"


"Cloudscapes reflected in clear pools of still black water. A happy place."


"Old problems do not go away. New problems just become more important to distract you from them."


"I keep you in a flower vase.
With your fatalism and your crooked face.
With the daisies and the violet brocades.
And I keep me in a vacant lot.
In the ivy and forget-me-nots.
Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days."

Playlist.

Ever wondered the complexities of a playlist?

Or why your night music differs vastly from your day music?

They say each song is connected to a memory.

There are times when the radio, your phone and your Mp3 player can be your worst enemies.

Listening to the same songs over and over again is not the thing you should do when you want to glaze over certain events in life, trying to neatly put them away at the back of your closet.

You know what comes out from the back of  a closet?
Not skeletons.
But an old lyric book and Happy Birthday music CD's.

Forget about incantations and affirmations, if you want to change anything in life-

Start with your Playlist.

Favourite Night Song.

Backspacer.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to leave all this and run back to the place I left behind where some loved me but I loved you instead and most hated me for it, but it was enough that I had you and I would do anything to get it back.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to leave this and run back to the place I left behind where some loved me and most hated me but none of that mattered to me because I was too caught up in my misery to care about anything except us.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to leave this and run back to the place I left behind where I felt secure in the knowledge of my failures and they were these scented flames in my life that alternately blinded and  burnt me whenever I least expected them.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to leave this and run back -to you, to our love, to what I used to feel when I was with you and what it changed me into.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to remain anonymous while writing a letter to you and slide it under your door but I can't find you anywhere.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to tell you exactly what I feel when you ask me how I am now and whether I am happy in this place.

                        ***
Q: What's up? How have you been? How're you liking the place?



A: There have been so many...things up with me these days!!! Just LOVE the city!! Really busy! - With class and assignments and shit like that. Sorry for the late reply. Facebook chat is a bitch!! Catch you later!
                      ***

Observation- Exclamation Marks lie.

Emotionally Colourblind.

Tell me this is what normal people feel. This is what they live everyday, every minute of their existence. This feeling of... Nothingness. I think this is what a practical person would say an adult life feels like. Trudging through the minutes, hours, days... feeling wasted.
Well, don't get me wrong. I'm sure I know how to behave by now, to convey feelings. It's simple really.

Case 1.  When You Are With Family-  Stretch facial muscles till lips join into a straight line. Purse above mentioned lips into an upward curve. This is called a Smile. Don't show teeth.

Case 2.  When You Are With Friends (Guys)- Shove left hand in pocket. Swing phone from right palm casually. Let eyes graze over the screen every 15 mins.  Broaden mouth to part lips and show teeth. This is called a Grin.

Case 3. When You Are With Friends (Girls)-  *Everyone Starts Discussing Their Love Life* Smile, as in Case 1. Put a suddenly vibrating phone to your left ear and excuse yourself. Run.

Case 4. When A Guy/Girl Hugs You (Friendly)- Don't. Look. Up. Let left and right arms not do anything.

Case 5. When A Guy Hugs You (Romantically)-  Close eyes. Breathe Even. Do NOT think about how many bluebirds flew around Tom's head when Jerry hit him with that broomstick last night. Bring left palm up to Guy's chest slowly. Don't shove.

See?

Feelings are way over rated anyway. It's all in the gestures. You know all the names -  Happiness, Politeness, Fun, Desire, Companionship- the 'dictionary definitions' of it...You know the way to enact it all ... but you know what?

It doesn't mean an effing thing to you.
Because you can't feel it.
You try hard. But the essence of the emotion perpetually evades you.
(Note to self- Must Stop Watching Dexter).

Lord knows what I'd do for a little Sincerity  right about now.
And a little Hope.
But then again, A little Hope is a dangerous thing.
I'm probably better off this way.
Some things are better off when they are broken.. like... umm... Noodles.

And that's my cue to end this post right HERE.

Goodnight, Normal People.
Its good to be you.

Write.

They said, ‘you should write...’

I wasn’t so sure. I mean- seriously? After all the time and effort I put into getting things that went around in my head  under control, they just want me to put it bare on a page. A page that can be read. By everybody. On the internet.
Ha.
Like that’s ever gonna happen.

Hello.
My name is Alisha.
And I have seriously no idea what I’m doing here.
On this blog I mean.
Well, I’m supposed to write because it apparently will help me feel better.
Catharsis?
Fuck.

I can’t sleep tonight. I finally got what I had been searching for- after say a year and a half. And now it’s the end of the chase for me. Got a few days left for the culmination of it and after that I’ll have the solitary purpose of my existence snatched away from me and put into a single page of memory buried at the back on the highest shelf of a library nobody even visits anymore.
Convoluted metaphor... Phew.

Apart from this pursuit that’s headed for its swan song, I also seem to be completely disillusioned after my somewhat happy relationship went kaput. I mean, I made it go kaput. Guess I got tired after I realised it wasn’t what I wanted. So much for happiness.

Alright then, I’m 21. I have a lot of good going on for me- like my career and academics. (Huh?) So why can’t I dwell on that? And leave this out for good? I mean, I wait 1.5 years for some fuck to say- “You were right Alisha, for believing that I would return.” “True love has to be mutual and it’s with you.”  Some cheesy line like that...But that is not what has happened.  Instead I get a genial ‘let’s share this final cuppa black coffee Love Aaj Kal style and then fuck outta each other’s lives.’

Charming. Not.

My own personal ‘Araby’, I’d say.  (Read the short story by James Joyce if you haven’t already. Masterpiece that.) But then again, if I didn’t find him, I would have still been searching, so it’s good that it’s coming to an end at this point, however tragic.



 It’s amazing how good writing 400 words can make you feel. I would rather be typing a term paper... but what the hell. They were right. The voices never lie. You can look at the truth only from a peaceful place, and suddenly I’m there tonight.

And so we wait.
Tik Tik.
Tok Tok.Tik Tok.

I’ve come to bridges before. (No, No... Not Golden Gate or the one at Howrah )... and I’ve crossed them and burned them down. And after these last few days it will be over for good.
Can’t say I’m not relieved.
And if I’m lucky enough..
Maybe I’d even fucking get to sleep.