People ask me why I declined all invitations to join in the protests that are happening in the city I now live in- New Delhi - why I never signed any petition they posted on my wall- Why I never changed my DP or shared pictures online to support the cause.
The truth is- I don't know.
Today I see the youth of India want change. Delhi wants change. They have been rudely shaken by the fact that an educated girl who would chose a movie like 'The Life of Pi' at a South Delhi multiplex could meet such an end. Suddenly, the threat is not in the outskirts or lower class women- domestic help, Dalit women, jail inmates etc
The shock was more personal than I had expected it to be- after all, I too had watched 'The Life Of Pi' at Select City Walk, Saket,with my classmates on December 4th. The show got over in the evening and I made my way back home.
I was lucky.
People all around the country are wanting change.
They want women to be fearless and stand up for themselves.
I was at CP, Jantar Mantar on 23rd December. I did not join in the protest. It took me an hour to reach home, the streets were blocked due to the protesters. My auto was immobile due to the traffic. a bike on my left hand side drew my attention- the pillion rider was staring at my face. Unlike other times however, I did not turn my face away. I pulled my muffler down and stared back at him. As he had slowly leaned toward the auto initially, I leaned toward him. He slowly drew away. The auto driver looked at me in the mirror. The traffic started flowing as usual.
Strangely, I did not feel triumphant.
Recently, I did something where I thought I was standing up for myself- albeit on a public forum like FB, and I had to face a lot of flak for it. People I did not even know were inboxing me and asking me to keep my issue private- to keep it off FB- to keep quiet.
I had done that for a year.
Now there will not be too many people who read this post, and those who do, will think it is unrelated to the national issue.
But I can only decipher what is happening in the world in terms that are familiar to me.
I see a sea of opinions against a woman who wants to take matters in her own hands.
Does the mind, the body, the very will of a woman depend on the people who will talk and talk and do nothing?
Who will label a woman because she decides to give her body to one man and not six?
The youth demand justice for rape, but do they understand that their mindless gossip, abuse, slang-rapes a woman of her dignity?
It is done without a thought. A woman is a slut, a whore, a bitch, a cunt. There are many choice words that I don't know in Hindi and Bengali that might have similar meanings used on a daily basis. People don't mean them. It's just habit. An ex of mine had no qualms calling his friends 'chooth' or 'ma ka bur' or 'maagi'- only later, much later, when I realised the meanings have I abhorred them.
But now people reading the post will think I am being too sensitive. Maybe I am. Maybe I live in what my favourite professor an my University called 'the climate of fear'.
Ironically, he used it with respect to the Incidents post 9/11.
9/11 will be remembered in history. But 16/12 when the crime was committed will be forgotten.
I had this horrible idea of reading about rape cases in India. I really shouldn't have. I started with the Mathura rape case of 1974.
After going through ten different rape cases, spanning thirty years - I had a dull ache in the lower part of my stomach.
Medically, it is where my intestines still lie.
I am lucky to be alive, lucky not to have been raped- yet.
For that is all that remains to keep me safe in this city, or any other part of the country any more.
That and the will of God.
