Ah, Well

Tonight I keep you hidden,
In the broken corners of my dreams.
Caress your face in the fathomless  shadows,
Till I wake with silent screams.

Under a pale shadow-moon
a night-bird flutters ominously.
Winged portent of my soul.
The beginnings of how my heart was rent
to bits by an iron-will.

I put it back : bit by bit.
Futile efforts by a blind Fool.

They tell me that love-bred flowers always die.
Who knew tonight that would fly?

The movie-hall lies abandoned.
Amidst spit-stained walls I sit
Alone
And watch the sad sad re-runs of my past mistakes in black and white.
(Pass me the bloody popcorn somebody!) 

Exams starting tomorrow.
Final lap.
Funnily - zero enthusiasm.
And zero dedication.
Its like I'm running out of charge in the most crucial moment of my career.

Is it because of new entrant- kukkad kamaal!?

Hmmm.

Crumble and Cry.

There have been so many times in the past when I have felt like this.
The stirring of a restless impulse that travels like a dull worm all along my spine.
I can feel it in the end of my nerves, this feeling of complete and utter destruction.
A feeling that something NEW is about to happen.
And that does not necessarily need to be a good thing.

Today I was walking down the hall of South Campus with my friend Geetakshi. We had just had our last class with one of my favourite professors in Delhi University- Subarno Sir and the girls had brought up the fact that our student life is coming to an end, well, for the most of us at least.
Nostalgia, that old forgotten feeling spread through my limbs, upward, dulling my brain, numbing my senses, as I floated along with my friend for company. I was wearing an Arsenal jersey, messy hair and no make up and she was pretty in a neon pink t-shirt and white gypsy skirt and a perfect plait. What a contrast!
Anyway, so it hit me that this is it man. End of the line.
I have  NO idea what I want to do in the future.
I guess I'll cling like driftwood on some forgotten river-bank to something.
Or someone.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend Lijo.
Just like that.
He was pretty serious but I woke up one day and realised I don't want to end up living with someone I don't love.
Or someone I have been coerced to love?
Hegemony?
(Fuck I never read the essay for tutorials tomorrow!
Kill me.)

But, this thing  about love is a serious issue ah. I have been trying to brush it aside ever since Ron died. But maybe he knew it me too well. He had called himself a 'PLOT DEVICE' in my life.
Well, he was.
He has been for almost a year now.
But I can't let this come in the way of my surviving anymore.
I don't want to be a widow.
I don't want to be a whore.

I want to go back and live for myself.
For ME.
Do whatever the fuck it takes to make myself happy.
If it's a new guy, so be it.
But I don't think it's as shallow as that anymore.
It's more like a new way of thinking.
A new way of living.
And a way of loving myself, no matter what.

All this is fine to write down but what I really need is someone I love, someone I desire-
 who would watch me
crumble and cry
and do nothing to wipe my tears
but whisper a song in the hollow of my ear
and smile when I'm done with my drama.
Getting up slowly, dusting the back of his pants and leading me -
On.

 "Does it ever occur to you that I am sometimes thinking?"

I look at the outstretched fingers,
waiting to touch the corner of my eyes.
Don't you see, you were me then?
Listen carefully-
Your voice is in my head.

A day for love in a year of indifference.
Dark rain washing away a desert of pain-
grain by grain.

Tonight I won't beg for you.