Stuff.

It's like walking across a busy street and miraculously avoiding the traffic. Taking a step forward, and then back... doing a fatal dance, a final jig- because on the other side -oblivious to you, is
 He.
And you must get to him.
Or die trying.
But the funny thing is that you feel so serene, so calm, it's like you were born to cross dangerous roads.
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Your name has this familiar twang to it in my head.
It's this sharp pitch that smells peachy to me. The smell of almost-Summer.
Suddenly, my chest feels walled in.
And my heart is now a glazed block of grey stone
with ivy memories, entwining dryness.
Green spots of colour, leafy streamers of everything I remembered
and did not.
I say, "I am stoned." And God, I have never been so right before.
_____________________________________________________
Today, I found a paper cup
and tore it up
So it wouldn't have to be empty anymore.
The world must be cruel place
 because I'm still whole.
______________________________________________________________________
.

The marks we leave are too often scars.

I remember my 17 year old self wanting to be eulogised- to be commemorated because I thought I was different from everyone else. And that when I died, people owed it  to the awesome, special person I am to remember me.
For a Long time. (I want to use 'Forever' but I am cleverer now.)
So when I was 80 percent through 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green and the 17 year old Augustus Waters said to the 16 year old Hazel Lancaster, "I always thought my obituary would be in all the newspapers, that I'd have a story worth telling. I always had this secret suspicion that I was special.", I immediately put down the book and recollected my 'I'm special' moments- whether it was looking for the Universe to send me secret signs, or that my birth date was everywhere I looked, and how that meant something.
Then I continued reading till the end without pause.
And then, I decided to write a post. (To entomb my consciousness at this precise minute for eternity?)
So, let me go back to my former 17 year old self.
I was SO sure that I would  not live to be 24, I expected the people to love me the most to do something extra special to memorialize me- one of them sang a song with my name in it because I was always cribbing how I never had a good enough song after my name.
Somebody wrote a book with all my favorite lyrics and quotes, Another promised to be my biographer- to write about my life so that I would be remembered.
I remember walking down to my house in Park Circus, Calcutta, with a friend, discussing how I felt that I was on a mission, that I was here for something important. Actually, I didn't just want to be remembered, I wanted to do something worthwhile- live or die for a cause.
After watching 'Ghajini' on  New Year's Day, a few years ago, I called my best friend and told him I wanted to die like Asin- to DO something important.
He did think I was crazy.
Well, after reading this book (TFIOS), I think an alternate possibility occurred to me- what if I did 'fade to oblivion?'What if nobody remembered me- ever? What if , after my death, my friends actually didn't deactivate my Facebook account (like I have instructed them), and I was allowed to float in cyberspace- almost alive, like a ghost? How would I react? What would I think?
Would I think at all?
Or would all this cease to matter, as I joined the list of nameless, faceless persons who floated about cyberspace, but otherwise, were not immortalized in a work of Classic Art.
I think the second-last page of the book calmed me, I have a lot to think now, a lot I want to share- but it's mostly about Death- and there is no one more than a dead person who I want to share it with.
As Green writes, 'then I realized there was no one else to call, which was the saddest thing. The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Waters’s death was Augustus Waters.'But something at the end of the book both excited and calmed me- I don't feel the need to colonise people's memory anymore.
This is what I don't want to do anymore, and I feel like a burden has suddenly been lifted from my will.
'Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease.

I want to leave a mark.

But Van Houten : The marks humans leave are too often scars.'

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